"I show you pictures of this very corner // but I can't remember who pushed the shutter" - Wye Oak
In the timeframe in which I decided to reflect on my time in Mammoth Lakes CA, this song hit me hard. I have been reading a book by Julia Cameron that reinstated the feeling of being an creative spirit, yet feeling disconnect to one's inner artist as: "We mourn the self we abandoned."
Instead of recounting the entire experience in a metaphor and simile ridden piece of prose, I've decided to share a single journal entry that encompasses the overwhelming feeling of artistic detachment that imposter syndrome inflicts:
There is a part of myself that I am missing. No, it cannot be retrieved. Since moving to San Diego, I've developed into something else. At first, it seemed like disconnect - like I was no longer able to hear Earth's heart beating. I slept too much to feel that bleeding heart poet in myself. Too comfortable, too far from the land that formed my higher brain. My days of walking meditation are over. I can no longer reach the part of me that delivered thought with such persistence.
Instead of mourning this loss, perhaps I can view this situation as a cocoon of sorts. I've gone through some necessary emotional tumult and felt things that others rarely get in touch with... and I've recorded it all. I'm glad I've written for the sake of later reflection, creative use, and retro-wisdom. Now it's time to use it.
How do I represent these experiences? How do I tell stories using these words? How do I connect words and thoughts and feelings to the images I produce? How do I get people to care? Most importantly: how do I integrate music?
Here's my 3 part answer.
1. Write a screenplay about my experiences surrounding music and environmentalism.
-more details to come.
2. Incorporate environmental issues into music videos.
3. Keep writing this blog.
I do not feel as though it was myself who took these photos. I have to remember that my style of photography lends itself to be somewhat surreal, and that yes, this place exists. I existed in it, and I captured it with my own way that cannot be replicated.
A personal "art history." We all have experiences and backgrounds that shape our art/work. I believe it is essential to tap into those experiences in order to connect with those who share similar ones - or are completely disconnected from your reality. It helps us all grow.
BEFORE playlist: bit.ly/bee4strangecacti
"Before" - Wye Oak, "It Was Not Natural" - Wye Oak, "Book on How to Change" - Hand Habits, "Now I Must Remember" - Bent, "Summer Came Early" - Exploded View, "A Change in Weather" - Rose Droll, "Sorry About The Carpet" - Agar Agar, "White Glass" - Loma, "The Bug Collector" - Haley Heynderickx, "In the Pines" - Widowspeak, "Echo's Answer" - Broadcast, "Cut Me Off" - Madeline Kenney.